That is what this past year has felt like for me. Not because it went by too fast and not because I had so much fun...but because I was lost. I was lost in who I was and what I was creating. I was allowing those voices in my head telling me I am was not good enough to become louder and louder and eventually hold merit within me. I questioned my every being. I became paralyzed in my own doubt and fear.
Am I really an artist? Can I create work others will like? Is the work I am creating anything I even love anymore? If I can't love it why would anyone else? Am I even good enough?
The house is quiet... I look up at the clock, it's 2am...how did I get here? How has this become my life? Fighting back tears as I edit yet another gallery that I am not in love with. One I was almost ashamed to show my client. It hurt so bad to see the work I was "creating" and knowing...KNOWING somewhere within me there was more. But what if that more wasn't what anyone wanted to see. What if no one likes what I create? Since when did I became such the people pleaser? Sure I already had that people pleasing quality inside my personality but this was different. I was allowing that to paralyze me in fear. So afraid I was going to create something that wasn't understood or received by my clients, friends, and followers. So instead of creating freely... I froze. I have spent a year of my life doing something I hated. I loved my clients and by wanting to give them exactly what they wanted, I quit giving myself what I NEEDED. There was a small part of me, maybe bigger than I really even knew, that felt guilty. Like I was a fake. I was offering my clients a product that I didn't believe in. A product that pained me to see once it came off my memory card and hurt even more so to have to look at and pick apart as I was forcing myself to edit and prepare a gallery I could "sell" to them. How can I sell something I was ashamed to show, something I didn't believe in?
I was once in love with what photography offered me. Not only was I helping contribute to my family but I was feeding something deep inside me. I was happy. Where did that go and how do I get back to that place? Am I just an "artist" and we all have to go through this? I am sure that is some of it, but no one ever told me it could get THIS serious.
I decided I was going to quit. Maybe I just lost it, maybe what my mind was telling me was the truth...maybe I wasn't good enough. I wasn't making myself happy, in turn was making my family miserable, and I felt I was cheating clients. Nothing was "good enough" anymore but I didn't know what to do to find where the "enough" was hiding. If you follow me on Facebook you'd notice how this past year I posted very little of my work. It consumed my daily thoughts. It seemed I couldn't break these chains that bound me by the words my mind was telling me.
One day I asked a friend to go on a shoot with me. This time was different thought... I wanted her to shoot...ME. I wanted to express in images how I was feeling. How I was seeing the world through my own fog. Through the blur.
When I got those images back I went through them... and wept. Not one image was in focus yet it was just so clear to me where I was and what I needed to do to get out of this haze. I needed to go and shoot EXACTLY how I was seeing the world at this very moment. For me. No one to give me approval and without the fear that I just may never get it. I needed to stop doing what was comfortable and allow myself to shoot off emotion alone.
I researched images I loved and related to at this very stage in my life. I put them on my screen and began writing down emotions I got from those images. I looked at the images in a way I had never look at anyones work before. I wasn't looking at the beautiful and perfect imagery, I was only pulling off the emotion of the image. I sat and studied those images for hours. I processed those emotions and when I shot for the very next time, I shot without paying attention to the final image... I shot for the final emotion.
I can say for the first time ever I can look at some of my work that is more than 48 hours old and STILL love it (I know you all know what I am talking about). I have come to the conclusion that I may not make everyone happy with my imagery, but those who do trust me to tell their story, will love it and appreciate it so much more because it is shows a tiny piece of their soul. We will not stay in a safe place, we will step out of our comfort zone together.
FIVE things I learned thought out the storms of this past year...
1. Voices in your mind can play really ugly tricks on your heart. Allow yourself to hear them though, if you repress them they will get louder and more nasty with time.
2. You are not perfect, sometimes you are not even good enough...that just means you are relatable and your clients will see a piece of themselves in you.
3. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. It isn't easy to see yourself in the blurry moments but through that your growth will come.
4. Becoming an artist that doesn't play "safe" will narrow down your reach to the masses, but it will strengthen your reach to those whom your work touches.
5. When your heart is telling you it is no longer being fed by what you do, allow yourself to hear its voice.